she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
