phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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