Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
