I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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