Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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