I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
