You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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