come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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