Do you still have your period?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
