He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
