She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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