I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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