I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
