Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
