what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
