I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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