I cannot find my penis.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
