This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
