Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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