I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
