Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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