dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
