The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
