i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Pants are for mortals
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
