did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
