i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
