ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
