moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
