Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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