my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
