Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
