My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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