and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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