Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
