her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize