If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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