Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
