I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
as a side note pls kill me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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