Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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