I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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