My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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