I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize