He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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