Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
