I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
