I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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