I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
