I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
