Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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