Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The uberlube is also flammable
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
