Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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