The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
