i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
