come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Two words: blizzard sex
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
