i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
