I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize