im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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