my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
honey bunches of taint.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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