I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
