i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
