Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
