just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
