the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize