so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
