Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
