dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
