Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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